[♪]
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, limousines ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck in hell suburbia ♪
♪ Never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and car pools make me scream ♪
♪ (screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough ♪
♪ But I've got to ma-ma- mother up! ♪
Fergus, where did you get that?
From the candy pirate!
(gasp!)
Fergus, what did I tell you about stranger danger??
Stranger danger!
What the hell is stranger danger?
You haven't had "the talk" with Apple and Dick?
Of course I have...
Mom, what's sex?
When two people love each other
or are drunk and they make terrible mistakes
with their bodies.
I made a sex!
No, not that talk.
The one about how talking to strangers is
incredibly dangerous and kids should never do it.
What if you're really, really hungry
and the stranger is a waiter?
Ha! Checkmate. Your kid just starved to death.
I hope you're happy.
Stranger danger is real.
Oh, come on, Fergy.
Why can't I talk to strangers?
Because sometimes they turn out to be murderers
and sometimes they turn out to be something worse
like whimsical or Mormon.
Look, it's very simple.
Every stranger in the world wants to hurt you,
kidnap you or feed you to the half-human half-pig
he's got chained in the basement.
Good talk! Here's some mace.
Hey, Apple-
Aaaaahhhhh!
Aaaaaahh!
I don't understand what's happening!
I'm blind!
(thunk)
Mom. Help.
Everything is so confusing.
My life is ruined.
Dick, relax. It's temporary.
Try to enjoy it.
Ooh, maybe you can play the sympathy card
and get out of some homework.
Plus you won't be able to see the strangers
coming for you.
And they are coming, Dick.
They're everywhere.
Remind me to thank Sarah
for the excellent parenting advice.
Maybe you should leave yourself a voicemail
since Dick and I probably won't survive the day.
Apple, I may have exaggerated
the danger of strangers. statistically speaking
most people are murdered by someone they know.
Oh, sorry Rudi!
Did you want this spot?
Looks like the early bird gets the worm!
And by worm she means the best parking spot.
Which is this one.
In case you didn't get that.
It took me a while too.
Okay, Dick. Anyone asks, tell them you drove.
Stranger! Stranger!
Am I dead?
Am I being murdered?
Is it over yet?
Blaaat blaaat
Where there is music there is light.
I read that on the back of a menu.
Oh, hello, Gregory.
It's good to see you.
I've got to stop saying that.
I'm sorry to hear you've caught blindness.
The kids at school aren't very sensitive
to my new condition.
Come on, dork. My arms are killing me.
Their intolerance opened my eyes.
Ugh, gotta stop that.
So I have decided to dedicate my life
to helping the visually impaired by proving
that I can do anything anyone else can.
And I see you've turned to music
just like the founding fathers of blindness.
Oh, you "see", do you?
We have so far to go.
Blaaaat
say, uh, I have something that might
take your mind off music!
The Mayans used to carry braille books
around with them because ground ferrets
would sometimes steal their eyes.
Wow, really?
Sadly, yes, and that's why their culture
no longer exists. they all fell off a cliff
chasing ferrets trying to get their eyes back.
I hope that helps.
Good morning, Annie! What a beautiful day!
Crushed by the thing she loved most: Music.
It's not just strangers, mommy!
It's everything!
The whole world is trying to get me!
(screams)
Scared of dogs... Scared of water...
Scared of baptists...
A-ha! Scared of everything.
There, there, everything will be... Fine.
Is everything okay?
Apple missed her play date.
Yeah, about that.
I kinda can't find her.
What!?
She's not lost-lost.
She's somewhere in the house.
Besides, this is all your fault!
She's been acting crazy ever since you told her
the world is out to get her!
Huh! I never said that!
Have you tried looking in her room?
That's a lot of stairs. If she's up there
she'll come down when she's hungry.
I mean... What kind of mother would I be
if I didn't do that right now?
Apple?
Apple, come out from under there.
You're not going to get murdered.
Uh, Rudi?
Fine. Come on, Apple.
You can hang out with me and I'll make sure
nothing bad happens.
I really gotta find a better place for that.
(scream)
Who's in the mood for some blind amateur magic?
If we don't move, he might not hear us.
Now give a hand to the majestic Dick.
Ha! Please tell me you printed fliers.
Get ready to be amazed!
Abra ca-dick-bra!
(pffft)
Ugh!
Did someone just crap their pants?
I was that good?
I'm going to be rich!
Apple, go play with your friends!
It's Saturday!
I can't go outside.
Murderers and music will kill me.
Nothing is going to hurt you.
Unnh! Uggh!
Damn your super strong infant body!
Remind me to stop buying milk.
Weeeeee! Outside is the greatest!
Are you wearing a bra?
Agh!
(groan)
(goats bleating)
Animals are the best and not at all diseased!
I can't wait to pet all of them. Or something.
Hey, Apple. I'm going outside
to have tea with Dolly and Mr. Bear.
You should come. They're starting to
talk about you behind your back.
No!
Suit yourself.
(household noises)
(MUFFLED VOICE: Apple, Apple!)
(I'm going to find you!)
Aaaaahhhhh!!!!
See? Everything's fine.
I did it! Thanks for making me.
I really missed outside.
Yay!
Okay, maybe the world is a tiny bit dangerous.
She's not hurt, right?
At least not bad enough
to win any kind of lawsuit?
I'm happy I got lightninged.
I went outside and something
really bad happened and I'm okay!
That means bad things can't hurt me!
Probably best not to apply
five-year-old logic to this one.
She's right.
Couple days, bing bang boom, good as new.
Well, you're not helping.
My uncle got struck by lightning once.
Now he licks things
whether they want to be licked or not.
Gasp! Kid's got la marca de la luz!
What? What'd we lose?
No. La marca de la luz!
The mark of light! Very big deal.
My uncle had a mark of light once.
But he licked it and it went away.
Boom! You're the chosen one!
All hail! Clap, clap. That kind of thing.
Gift from the one who chooses.
Mmmmm. Era of great light on its way!
I'm not worthy.
(kissing)
Okaaaay. Well, thanks for sucking the filth
off my kid's feet.
How much do I owe you?
No! Us pay you!
Aaaah!
Allowed to be in her presence!
Huhhhhhhh!
Healed and stuff!
The chosen one doesn't do knock-offs.
Can she have cash instead?
Cool.
Hey, make sure you tell all your friends,
especially the rich ones,
the chosen one lives here.
(sound of lawnmower)
You again!
You're trespassing.
Finish off what you're doing
and then get the hell off my lawn.
Anything for the home of the chosen one!
What??
Oh, no! The one percent is all gone.
Oh!
But that's the only kind of milk
the chosen one drinks.
Oh! Here! Here! Take it!
What am I even doing in this grocery store?
Ahahaha! Oh, God I'm in your way!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
Ahem! Miracle child coming through.
Make room.
Watch as the majestic Dick
makes this card disappear!
You're so brave doing that
as a visually impaired person.
Thank you for seeing that.
Aaah, seeing... What's that like?
Will you do another trick for me?
Sure.
But can you help me off of this crate first?
Heights are kinda my kryptonite.
Thank you.
I thought I was going to have to sit in there forever.
Well, diva mode didn't take too long.
There she is!
Look at her!
Please accept this drawing
of your mom not wearing a bra.
Let me know if she likes it.
Thank you, my child.
Your creepy contribution has been noted.
And I offer you the gift of flight!
Agh!
Also, these are for you.
If you need me I'll be inside
organizing my fan mail.
Hey, Rudi. Heard you have a miracle child.
You must be doing something right.
Yep, mother of the chosen one.
But your kid made the soccer team
so you've got that to cling to.
You know Rudi, exploiting the beliefs
of innocent people isn't something
most people would be proud of.
I'm not most people.
Besides, the rest of the town loves me.
Sooner or later you're going to have to prove
she's really the "chosen one" whether you want to
or someone makes you.
Yikes, what was that about?
She's making people doubt that Apple's a God.
Umm... She sort of isn't.
What are you a scientist?
We don't know that for sure.
Dick, how do you feel about
putting on a little show?
I'd love to.
Once the world sees my magic they will no longer
doubt the abilities of blind people.
Augh!
Is this going to take long?
I've scheduled a massage
with one of my followers at nine.
What??
Relax, mommy. I'll see if she can fit you in too.
Just remember the plan: Convince these
knuckle-draggers you're magic
so the free stuff keeps rolling in.
Well, maybe I am a little bit magic.
When most people get hit by lightning
they don't get one of these.
They just croak. Or crap their pants.
Or both.
Okay. I'm going to assume
you're getting into character.
It's show time!
Ladies and gentlemen:
the majestic differently-sighted Dick!
(crickets chirping)
and with him: The chosen one!
(cheering)
The chosen one will now allow me
to make her disappear!
Cinco de mayo, make Apple go bye-o!
(excited chatter)
There she is!
Told ya!
The chosen one.
It's a miracle!
What?? Are you people crazy?
This isn't a miracle.
She just crawled out from behind the box!
She dares question the chosen one?
It has been commanded she must be converted!
Whosoever doth so.. Do that.. Thing
will get a prize! Go!
(screams)
Something I love better be on fire!
Ugh!
Don't you have your own house to be annoying in?
Technically, yes, but your so-called
miracle daughter's "followers" won't stop
following me around trying to convert me.
Two of them broke into my house
and got in the shower with me.
Yeah, I might have told them conversion works
best when people are surprised in bathrooms.
I called the cops, but they called me Judas
and disconnected my phone.
I can't live like this. Call them off!
I'd love to but that's really up to
the chosen one.
There is no chosen one!
Okay, Jenny. If you really want my help,
you have to do exactly as I say.
Well, depending on what-
exactly. as. I. say.
Attention, everyone!
I have something to say.
I of course believe in the healing powers of
the chosen one and am fully committed
to living my life according to her plan.
Prove it!
What? How?
Why not give the clothes off your back
to someone in need?
Yeah!
I'm not going to take my clothes off!
That is ridiculous!
Looks like she's not ready to convert yet, everyone.
We'll all just have to try harder
to make her a believer.
Fine! Fine.
If that's what it will take to get my life back.
(gasps)
She's gonna do it!
(crash)
We can trade! I only soiled it once!
Happy?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast, sinner-ella.
You really think you're going to get off
that easy?
I'm wearing a cloak soaked with urine.
I'm literally wearing a pee-coat.
What's that, Jenny? You want to help
spread the word of the chosen one
and get to know all of her other cool followers?
What?? No!
We can make friendship bracelets
and give each other breast exams.
This isn't over, Rudi.
Hmm.
Ahh, Jenny's miserable...
Crazy people all gone...
Seems over to me.
Daughter of light, tell us of our futures!
Look into the cookie of fortunes.
All will be revealed.
Thank you, thank you.
What the hell's going on out here?
Why are there a bunch of "the passion of the Christ"
extras wrecking my grass?
Jenny has been very helpful
recruiting new followers.
Jenny did this?
Okay, all of you need to leave
before I call pest control!
No! Lightning made me special!
It's real, that's why they're all here!
They see it but you don't!
Maybe you're the unbeliever!
All right, enough is enough.
We got a lot of free stuff, had some fun
at Jenny's expense, but playtime is over!
Take her away!
Unh! She isn't the-
you!
Hey, Rudi! Looks like I'm pretty good at
getting new followers, huh?
Great. Make them follow you into a wood chipper.
Well, being grumpy is no way for a hostess
to behave.
You need to undo everything
and get these gross people off my lawn.
I'd love to help you out but I'm just really
committed to this new journey I'm on.
You forgot, I'm an excellent organizer.
Apple's all over social media now.
Word's out and if I'm right, which I am,
there's going to be a few hundred people from
across the country making a pilgrimage to see her.
You and I both know Apple is just a normal kid.
Not to them.
So little faith, and in your own daughter.
Bye-bye, Rudi. Have fun.
The time has come for the chosen one
to prove herself.
(cheering)
What??
That's right, everyone!
The chosen one will perform her first miracle
right now, for all of you to see!
(cheering)
No.
Heal someone, chosen one,
like that leper over there.
Daddy needs a new pair of ears!
Okay, fine. No problem.
I can do that.
(crowd gasping)
This child isn't a healer!
She bears the mark of... Death!
La marca de la muerte!
Okay, great work, team.
This lawn will now be sprayed
for satanic cleansing.
Mark of death?
Really put the fear of no-god into them, Rudi.
I won't be needing this any more, thank God.
Oh, and you might want to clean up your yard.
I don't think it's up to
community association standards.
Threats only work on people who care.
What's the community association's policy
on public nudity?
Because I have pictures.
Never pegged you as an outtie.
I'm sorry you lost all your followers, kid.
It's okay.
I'm sorry I got drunk with power
and led a cult to live on our lawn.
Let us just accept the fact neither one of us
is at fault.
If there is a God, blame it on him. After all,
he is the one who hit you in the head with lightning.
You deserve better.
I'm just a regular kid that can see now.
But...
Ssh. It's too late.
Maybe one day I'll go blind again.
They are making amazing advances
in science these days.
Hey, what's that behind your ear?
Ugh.
I'm glad I can see again.
It was such a wake-up call having something
so important as vision taken away.
It's hard playing God.
With great power comes great responsibility.
What did you learn, mom?
Hmm. Probably that Jenny
could stand to do some crunches.
If anyone asks, Apple, you're not in the vents.
Is this your card?
No.
Is this your card?
No.
What about this one?
Still no.
Magic is stupid!
Eek! Mommy!